Read this new post by the author of “The Difficult Mother Daughter Relationship Journal.”
A few of years ago, in response to a Love Note I wrote entitled The Exact Things I Do When I Am Practicing What I Preach In Real Life With My Real Mother* I received a slew of emails from women who asked some form of this question:
“Why bother? Wouldn’t it be just easier to cut her out of your life completely?”
What they didn’t know (and what you might not know) is that at one time I HAD cut her out of my life completely.
Was it easier? Sort of. It was comfortable and I felt vindicated.
I decided I didn’t want it to be easier. I decided I wanted to grow.
I wanted self-respect. Confidence. Equanimity.
I wanted to step out of the dysfunction, not operate within it.
To live life on my terms, not in reaction to hers. To express myself. To create relationships that are fun and nourishing where I can be my whole self and others can be their whole selves.
To stop people-pleasing.
To stop being afraid of what “they” think.
To stop explaining, justifying, protecting, and defending.
To write best-selling books and stand on stages and make people gasp with recognition at their own humanity.
Hiding from my relationship with my mother did the exact opposite. Cutting her out of my life was only easy on the surface. Deep down where it matters, it was festering. It was keeping me stuck because of the stories I was telling myself about her, about our relationship, and most importantly about myself.
Healing it was a catalyst for my growth in ways I never imagined possible.
That’s why you might bother.
You may be considering going no-contact with your mother, or maybe you already have. Or maybe you’re on the other side, having reinitiated contact and feeling wobbly.
Sure, it might be easier to not see or talk to your mother. But if not done from a clean place, it will take a toll inside where it counts the most. And trust me when I say that I am not advocating that all adult daughters be in contact with their mothers or that if you’re not in contact it means there’s no growth opportunity for you.What I AM advocating is healing the relationship whether you see her and talk to her or not.Healing your relationship with your mother isn’t about pleasing her or forgiving her or making her happy.It’s about showing yourself what’s possible FOR YOU.Because you’ve decided that you want to grow. And you want to use your relationship with your mother as the catalyst for that growth.That’s why you bother. Because YOU matter.
It’s not too late. You’re not too old. It matters. It works.
Ask me how I know. 🙂
Much, much love,
Reveal patterns. Heal shame. Transform legacies.
A Guide For Revealing & Healing Toxic Generational Patterns (Companion Journal to Difficult Mothers Adult Daughters)
A compassionate guide: Karen C.L. Anderson is a storyteller, feminist, and speaker who views the world through the lens of curiosity and fascination. As a mother-daughter relationship expert, she gently guides readers through revealing painful patterns in their relationships to finding ultimate healing. Her book isn’t a quick fix. Rather, she writes to help mothers and daughters heal and either reconcile or peacefully separate.